the baby
Professionally, I lead a weird double life. In 2011, when I started the Short Story Day Africa project (formerly known as Short Story Day South), I inadvertently split my writer-self in two. My intention had been to follow the example of the UK project and get writers, booksellers, readers etc to set up events themselves. I wasn’t planning to create anything. I just wanted to put the idea out there and let whoever wanted to participate, do so. Short Story Day Africa was supposed to be a bit like my clever SMEG oven. In the morning, you put in dinner, set the timer and go to work. The clever SMEG switches itself on at the set time and voila, you come home to a perfectly cooked dinner. The SMEG and I, we have a partnership. Short Story Day Africa is nothing like my clever SMEG. Short Story Day Africa is a baby. My baby.
My baby is a colicky one. It needs lots of attention and, year on year, it needs more. My baby’s daddy was a one night stand. He doesn’t take the baby off my hands every second weekend and he pays very little maintenance. And yet, my baby has flourished. She’s beautiful and I love her, but my other child, my first born and favourite child, if I’m honest in a way good parents are not, has had to move out of its room to make way for the baby.
I’m looking at the rest of the year stretched out before me and wondering when I’ll be able to get back to my first love. There’s the baby’s anthology to edit, design, format. I wonder too, whether anyone will ever want to speak to me about my child again, or if every interview request I get for the rest of my life will be about the baby. Maybe it’s because there is little space in the media for books. Maybe the media powers that be think that since the baby’s already on stage, my child should be satisfied squinting into the spotlight while I stand behind the curtain, feeding the baby its lines. For example, in June I was invited onto a Cape Town radio book show. I was excited. My child had been on the shelves out a couple of months and there had been a few interviews and one review. Then the presenter of the book show called to clarify. We would only speak about the baby on the show, she didn’t have time to also speak about my child. Another time, perhaps, she said to placate me. A couple of weeks later, the producer of the show called again. Yay, I thought, they’re going to invite me to speak about my child now, who has a lovely voice, I might add. But no, it was the baby they wanted again, or really, one of the baby’s friends. They want to interview one of the writers who had entered the baby’s competition.
As much as I love my baby, some days I don’t. Some days, I look at the beautiful child I’ve poured my heart and soul into and I feel like I’m sinking along with it. Everyone loves my baby. They stand over my baby’s pram oohing and aahing, but seem to look away when my child enters the room. I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps my child has some deformity; a great big raspberry mole smack in the middle of its forehead that I’m too blinded by motherly love to notice. Maybe no one wants to tell me my child is ugly in case I won’t let them play with my baby anymore.
I am writer. Writing is my talent, my passion, my life’s breath. Being a writer means that writing is a necessity; I must write to stop from sinking into a pit of misery. I need another child to focus on so that I can stop caring whether or not the beautiful one with the raspberry mole smack in the middle of its forehead has no friends. But I’m drowning in the administration it takes to keep the baby alive. I used to do odd writing related jobs to buy myself writing time, now those same jobs buy the baby nappies. I’ve become one of those people with a day job for whom writing is a hobby. Writing has become a luxury.
Today, I’m depressed about that.